my husband is driving my daughter away

What music you like or books you read is a matter of personal preference, and really its rude to mock people for their personal taste just because it doesnt align with yours unless theres racism or violence or something. I do that with everyone I know who likes baseball, which probably makes me annoying, but its what I do. Its every parents nightmare: watching their child drift away from them. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. I was struck by the fact that your husbands eye-rolling is the number one signifier of contempt an emotion that is known to signal marital unraveling and other relationship dissolution. My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. If both parents are making an effort to connect, I think 12 is an acceptable age to understand that things arent always about you, and sometimes we do things for other people just because we love the person if not the activity. Spyglassez In return, LW could offer to be extra supportive of the daughter participating in activities with her father that hes interested in as well. Im not gonna say that those novels were the sole reason she and I both ended up with lucrative and fulfilling careers in the hard sciences, or the sole reason why were both great writers and communicators, or the sole reason we didnt have to pay for college (we both got full scholarships). This day is going down in history as the first day that Ive ever agreed with every single word youve said, BGM. In fact, according to a recent study, nearly one in four people say they would encourage their parents to get a divorce if they were unhappy in their marriage. I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. Addressing issues with the person whos causing the problem is just a good habit to get into, you know? Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. To me, those things just come along with being part of a family. If a father is not present in his daughters life, she may feel neglected and unloved. Jordan was my fave back in the day. Cardinals games and all. That was what I meant about finding articles that the daughter would be interested in at first. Thanks temp! I do also believe that your husband really does need to at least embrace a couple of her interest if he wants her to embrace the things he likes. Listen, this dad sounds exactly like my dad when I was 12, down to insisting I be more competitive, and why cant I play sports, and so on. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. Yeah, and you definitely dont win the parenting award when you focus more on getting your kid to be your ally, as opposed to sticking up for your child. Parents have rolled their eyes at teenage pop drek for generations. And we always managed to have fun and more than a few laughs. Or else hes doing a disservice to her. How Do You Resolve Conflict Between Your husband And Daughter? Im breaking out in hives. Addie Pray July 2, 2013, 11:03 am, I think what needs to be addressed here is the the primary relationship in a familythe marriage. There are a few things that you can do to resolve the conflict between your husband and daughter: if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2','ezslot_12',132,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2','ezslot_13',132,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2-0_1');.leader-2-multi-132{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:7px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:7px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:50px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}Its a question that many people ask themselves, and it does not have a clear answer. (I highly recommend looking into how to cook with your fish encased in salt, something magical happens.). You're surely not alone. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. Sure, he dragged me out on hikes that I hated, and I was a brat and pain during many of them. Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? Heck, I even had a stringer attached to my waders. Of course, few 12-year-olds are really *excited* to have to read stuff from the Wall Street Journal, or to be asked to do mental math about ROTH versus traditional IRAs. I think my dad was guilty of that sometimes and he really regrets it. He did crossword puzzles so I sat down next to him so I could learn and now we do them together. He just can't grasp the cost of a wedding. as well, which is probably why this struck a chord with me. For some reason I keep imagining LWs husband as Red Foreman and her daughter as Eric. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. Well, it made me sad that he didnt want to hear all about The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks when I read that. I was in bed, asleep. Im also coming from a place where I 100% agree with Wendy that her interests could also change next month or next year so its more about tone/approach/attitude than actual activities. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm. Our differences are what make people interesting. Tell them in detail what you like about them. That said, its important to try to resolve the conflict constructively. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Before the 12 year was born. He went to jail for beating up his new wife and hurting her little boy. A father-daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships a girl can have. My daughter and I are a lot like you and yours. Expect my son to mediate a dispute between my daughter-in-law and myself. Maybe they have communicated about this many times, but obviously there havent been any results yet! He may feel like hes being left out or that he isnt good enough for his daughter. You can share your interests in a positive, fun way or you can try to force them on the child and he seems to think that forcing them on the child while belittling her is the way to go. He came home and threw his briefcase on the ground. But the show as a whole, awesome. I dont know if its The Best thing, but its very important and Im glad for all the things he exposed me to. He needs to make some fundamental changes to his behaviour. Theres even more scripted shows re: that sort of thing. Older and (hopefully) wiser Im not sure why people think it makes you a bad parent to tell your kid that you dont enjoy some of the same stuff they enjoy and that they can do that when you arent around. Totally agree on the respect issue. Additionally, she may worry that if she stays in an unhappy marriage like yours, it will damage her relationship with her future spouse. Thats awesome! One of my MILs (I am so lucky; I get three, FML) has a serious issue with me I mean epic butt hurt level, because I CANNOT do board games or card games. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her. ! And they were kind of blas, like, Oh, we didnt? The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. It is definitely a good idea for the LW to lead her daughter by example by showing an interest in Dads interests and even suggesting an outing that he would like or that all of them would enjoy. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. . Basically, I had never been the kid he wanted, and he eventually snapped and took it out on me. Theres alot wrong going on here, the parents should definitely get counseling to learn better communication and parenting skills. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. Id love to tell you about the things I like. Shes a kid, with a kids sense of fairness, so that would probably be a good compromise, because right now, hes asking her to do all the changing. Oh and shes also going hiking with her dad this weekend because I told her to suck it up and get her ass in gear and tell her dad she wants to go, oh and shes also taking spinning classes with him this fall because her size 0 ass isnt gonna last forever with the way she eats spaghetti since she shares my DNA. Encouraging both of them to try more and be respectful would be a good start. However, now as an adult, he appreciates my intelligence and how much thought and research I put into topics, even if we dont agree. Respect is the bedrock of any family and you need family members to respect each other, the belongings of each other and the interests of each other. And for your husband to expect your daughter to have more than your own vapid interests, REALLY doesnt make him a bad parent. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. Would have I rather been at the mall or curled up on the couch with a good book? 6napkinburger I have vivid memories of being forced to attend Cardinals games with my dad because my mom said it was important. Last Friday night, he worked late and came home exhausted. Yeah the dictating that she cant even listen to songs sometimes in the car is way over the top. I strongly agree with this. Asking her to read a National Geographic article is hardly onerous. July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. And with Netflix and Hulu and all that jazz, getting all caught up on Buffy and Firefly and Star Trek and other shows that are ancient history with most of todays teens, is not all that hard. Im guessing that you probably make comments about him every so often to your daughter. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. Parent first, friend second. Dont you think that much of parenting is ramming things down their throat. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), but it only means you need to step up and be MORE parental, which includes putting your daughters interests first. lets_be_honest I was just trying to say basically the same thing, but it got all garbled. Ross was telling me the other day that his dad took him deep sea fishing a couple times when he was younger. The father is totally out of line with his dismissive and unloving ways, but so is the mother, big time. You need to be very careful, then, to avoid reacting out of worry or false guilt. The whole time I was reading the letter, I was thinking, Shit if he acts like this toward his daughter, how does he treat his wife? Even if they like different kinds of books (fantasy vs. history, for example), if they both like to read, Dad can take her to Barnes & Noble and buy her a novel and a cup of coffee. Continue with Recommended Cookies. When I was growing up, I always watched The Andy Grifith Show, My Three Sons, and Leave it to Beaver, because those were the shows that were on, and I love those shows, but my father didnt force me to watch them, it was just what was on TV at the time. July 2, 2013, 12:29 pm. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). Dream! Have you read Tumblr recently? I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. Shes pulling away because hes hypercritical of her AND their daughter. it seems to . "I cant win for losing. My partner teaches high school students and they went NUTS for Sherlock this past year. Sometimes those things just happen. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. NIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE RESPONSE, WENDY! Heck no! She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. They do need the help of their partners to learn to love in this new way. July 2, 2013, 12:28 pm. July 2, 2013, 11:08 am. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. I even managed to convince him to watch Firefly (he loves Jayne. Act like one. Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. Many things can contribute to this type of conflicts, such as personality clashes or differing parenting styles. For starters, almost NONE of the things your daughter is a fangirl of are even vaguely STILL hot among her peers. It is just another thought though really, because going back and reading it again she includes herself in everything her husband gets mad at. I wanted to read 800 crappy Star Wars novels? Frankly, her interests sound pretty varied to me for 12: reading, pop culture, sci-fi, archery, piano and Broadway. (I should note now that I have 2 sisters and a brother, but this is before the younger two were born. Others say no because the spouse is the one person who will always be there for you, no matter what. It sounds like this dad is a bit of a jerk, who when he introduces something and she isnt into it makes fun of her. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. LW, would your husband be up for a night of board games with you and your daughter? My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. My parents listened to Oldies. Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. July 2, 2013, 11:40 am. I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. But that he made the effort to give me my interests. Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. Her free spirit and spontaneity. Theres no excuse for that. Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). If you have any concerns that your husband is driving your daughter away, be sure to talk to him about it. Go to a murder mystery night and talk about Sherlock. But what I really remember is my dad listening to me tell him about whatever I was interested in. Sounds to me like not only is dad not interested in or even bothering to take an interest in any of his daughters interests, but he also disparages them and her calling her uninformed, lacking initiative and uncompetitive and bitches because she isnt more like what he wants her to be like. It makes them feel safe. They have to come at this from a position of mutual respect. I recall all too well how some can turn every god damn conversation into a deep Buffy exploration So, yes. I reminded him that he likes sex better in the morning and he called me frigid and slept on the couch. Theres making a light-hearted joke when something is spilled, and then there is telling your child that what makes her happy is stupid. "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. Aaaaah! I had the same experience at college! It must suck to have go some where with the two of them, and because your wife wants to be best friends with your daughter, you probably cant even talk with her while they are together. Shes not talking about the Kardashians, but is talking about shows/books that mature, intelligent adults like. In the Summer of 1993 when I was 12 I went through a serious Tom Petty phase and my dad LOVED it. lets_be_honest My junior daughter does & my husband complains all the time that she has no need for a cellphone except when she is driving. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. Neither father or daughter should make disparaging remarks about the other and you shouldnt make disparaging remarks about your husband. It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? When children become teenagers, they sometimes start to distance themselves from their parents. But it was annoying. You dont always get to do the things you want and sometimes have to compromise. It should open up LWs eyes to the reality of the situation. Unless its, you know, the lastest Madonna tour or album . The point here is that Mom seems to allow her to only have interest in those things, which is bad. He's clearly not interested in her and I don't want to look stupid when I ask him. Same thing with intellectual or cultural topics. MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. But, for example, my mom used to watch I Love Lucy and Alfred Hitchcock Presents late at night, and during the summers, Id stay up late, and I gradually developed a taste for both of them. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. Required fields are marked *. July 2, 2013, 12:43 pm, Shes 12 at what age are you supposed to be more able to enjoy mindless pop culture!?! All these behaviors contribute to the problem and are probably making the daughter less inclined to spend time with him. But in college I fell in love with art history and now I actually take days off work to go visit art museums! One other thought is that, maybe this really isnt about the daughter, but about her and her husband, she references herself a lot in this letter, and maybe she really has a problem with the way he treats her, but she just doesnt want to admit it. This mother needs to chill out a bit. She has to do something she doesnt like from time to time. We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. Yeah, apparently mine were fans all along, but there were no records in the house, unlike the other two. And its in your daughters interest to have a strong relationship with her dad. Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. But yes, to all of it. Its not your fault if your partner and daughter dont get along. I notice my 14-year-old daughter and her 17-year-old brother, enemies of old, enjoying a detente in the TV room over Xbox and popcorn. FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. On the flip side, my mother was much like LWs husband in that she always encouraged competitiveness and athleticism and things she thought were good. We watch those shows now, pre-children, but I assume well continue to do so once we have kids. Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. I just have to say, I have NEVER felt comfortable choosing what to watch on tv if Im in the same room as my dad because I know he thinks 95% of what Id want to watch is annoying. It struck me the wrong way, too. Also, at some point, the kids will leave you and then what will you do? My husband her step-dad has Always been supportive financially to both my children and loves them like his own. A lot of painful disappointments in life. Oh trust me, the Buffy fanbase is alive and strong just go check out r/Buffy! bittergaymark Even now, as an adult, when he says he doesnt care and I can pick whatever, I know that isnt really true I put on say yes to the dress and hell be like, ok, well, not this. (And those are two things I didnt care for as a kid that I really like now.) But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). Instead, try to understand why they are pulling away and what you can do to support them during this time. I cant concentrate, I get bored, shit distracts me, I have to deal with the kids/dogs/etc and then people bitch Im not there to play, then I play badly as Im not paying attention.. so I try to get out of it then get all snitty reactions since Im not joining in having fun. Express your love and offer your help as opportunities arise. How are those pre-teen interests? Wendys relationship with her parents as a young girl feels ridiculously close with my relationship with my parents. July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. MAY THEY DIE IN LOTS OF FIRES. Its no crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. He should be talking to his wife about how he feels alienated when it is the three of them, but this is an issue between him and his wife. He liked baseball and trivia and languages and anthropology all stuff I didnt really care about. I cried myself to sleep. Spyglassez My husband's daughter is coming to visit. And to be 10, 11, 12, 13 and know that my sheer presence could make my dad so happy? oh, wait - his father wanted nothing to do with him for years. But as a kid/teen, I wanted him to play. But my parents both made an effort to do lots of family things together, even if my brother and I didnt want to. When you are in the same space with someone who is watching TV all day or farting often or slurping their coffee or whatever, unless you get away from them you will most likely explode. Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here. Awesome show full of information. Anyway, a person shouldnt be forced to read something they find boring, but I think that its reasonable for the dad to try to encourage that so that she grows up knowing theres stuff outside of her pop culture interests. Try to get him to nix the assignments things (because, I mean, UGH) and remind him that shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. He came home four hours later. LW, you should probably rationally explain to your husband that eye rolling is unacceptable. July 2, 2013, 3:55 pm, Damn, this is like the last thing I would think commenters would get all riled up and defensive over , 6napkinburger I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. The way hes acting could be a response to feeling alienated, Im sure, but right now it seems hes trying to run a bit of tyrannical household (with the assignments, & the verboten music and television). If everybody liked the same things, the world would be rather boring.

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my husband is driving my daughter away